'''Phoenix? it can't be. Are you really that strong?''
-I am.
He looks at me with hungry eyes,doing a terrible job at hiding his lack of confidence.
''Whom do you trust?''
-I trust myself of course.
''No one else?''
-Just myself.
''Then you're potentially dangerous, aren't you?''
-One may never know.
But in that situation.. it wasn't my fault..
''Silence. You're posing. Playing. You've never been a victim a day in your life and you're posing as some cat. You expect me to believe you?''
I'm smilling, a particular type of smile.
-Depends. Do you?
''You're driving everybody mad near you, and you know it.Including me.''
-I'm flattered.
''I bet you are.''
-You do?
''Then show me who you are. Do it. Dominate.''
-Not my style. I refuse.
''I knew you will.''
-Splendid.
''It's getting harder and harder for me to have you near me and to hide my weakness, everybody is laughing at me''
-Charming.
''They think.. imagine things. They see how I act like some fool.''
I could have blinked. But no expression existed on my face. I was watching the show. Or him breaking apart, more exactly.
He knew it, i knew it. He was the victim all along.
What a terrible thing to feel for a man in his position, yet so amusing to myself.

Of course I knew it's gonna end up badly for him, but I couldn't stop laughing.
A substitute for things. Or maybe nothing really.
Less than a toy.
Her scream must of woken me up from my thoughts.
''Stop hurting him, can't you see it hurts him?'
-I do more than see, dear, I can hear him, that's the point, and I like what I'm hearing, plus do you see him moving? He sits still waiting, he likes it!
''You know that he doesn't!''
-He doesn't? Strange, I don't see him moving..
''Just stop please, I can't stand watching anymore''
-For you?
'For me..''
-Maybe for you.. he's been whispering and begging into my ear to stop since a while without no success

I was looking at her face. She looked so horrified and scared. And she so pitied him. I didn't.
Part of me, I must admit, loved having her watch, even as an uninvited guest to the show. It just amplified things more, gathering even more emotions than just his.

-Were you scared he'd have never asked me to stop?
''Yes. He didn't seem like he would say anything against it..and you'd have pushed it more and more until...''
-Until?
''He'll never recover. Never forget you. You're gonna ruin him, you do know that right? He loves you..''
-Yes. I know.
''So what will you do since you already know that?''
-Nothing of course. But I bet it's gonna be one hell of a show.

''I love you, because you don't care. You never will and because I know that deep down all that pleases you is to hurt me. You don't see me as a human being. ''

I listened smiling. Should I have feel insulted?
In a normal world I am a Beast by all names but to him for being Exactly that, I was a God.
And I love being one, truth be told, it's my guilty pleasure.

There was a moment in my life in which I said that when it comes to Emotional Sadism, gender doesn't exist. It's all about the PAIN.
The one holding the '' knife '' and knowing exactly where to hit: Where it hurts the most. But to know which spot that is, it's in fact an Art.
That or a very twisted skill.

No wonder Emotional Sadists exist outside BDSM and are often so popular and so loved.
Physical pain passes, emotional one can exist for years and years and the damage done might last forever.

So is it really about playing God, or about playing Satan?

Also another FUN Factor appears when we're talking about Emotional Sadism. When enough is enough?
I could cripple you for life emotionally and have you wander around me giving me what I want for life, but do I really want you?
Do I really need some needy desperate fool that's no longer capable to live without my attention? OR worse, do I want hungreds?
Aimless hurt males worldwide all aching and hoping I'll be worse, I'll get more cruel, I'll ruin them until the point they no longer even want to exist.

Is that the end? Or the Begining of something new?
Can that indeed please me?
HMM.

I've often looked into the eyes of the men that desperately begged me to give them that pain that can push them until the point of no return.
As I coldly watched in those lost eyes of them wondering if I even can be bothered to want them as much as them being nothing to me, and just slaves living for me.
And a part of me was totally unmoved. It felt like even giving them THAT felt too much. too kind. like an effort.

And I don't really like to make in essence any effort.
So.. I gave them something better.
Something that can feed my cruelty, ruin them and requires no effort whatsoever from me...
Which you can't know unless you've served me yourself.

I'm there staring. And I see the same desperation.
Emotions. An explosion of them. And an ache.
And ache to belong, to be understood, to give up everything for ..Something they can't define.
My disgust for weakness in essence makes me repulsed by that image, yet the sadist in me finds herself smilling.
I won. It's over. It's done.
That person understood where/what his answer is.
And it's Me. In flesh. In essence. In what I think and am.
And I get to decide what happens next.
Just like that.

It's a power that scares most, especially the victim and their acknowledgement that they found their match and purpose.
And I could simply reach my hand and grab them.
But I don't.
Because the game is not over. It has just began.

''Why don't you tear my world apart?''

''Sharp lines S.?''
I look up and see my painting teacher smilling at me.
Is that wrong?
''No. But it does says a lot about you. Do you want to know what it means?''
I suppose It could be interesting.
'Full control. Inner balance. Logical thinking. That's you.''
You make me seem horrible.
'Not horrible. Different. Out of the ordinary.
Asians would love you. They love a twisted creativity. They'd love your work also. You should move to Japan. ''
I don't know anyone there..
''True. But everybody would know your name and really fast I might add.''

It's a quiet evening and I find myself drawing geometric figures.
Complex ones. With dark edges. And light ones.
Spectacular in their complexity. With no flaw. And a complex pattern.
And the world shuts down for minutes, hours.
While everything makes sense.

''You can't be like this just because. You've meditated for years. No one can simply do this just like that. Tell me how you do it.''

I look at this man that earns a living by fixing relationships and pushing people towards a spiritual path and I smile.

How should I tell you this? I'm not actually the kind that can sit in a corner and babble some words.

''Meditation isn't just that and you know it. You've been doing it since you were a child, didn't you?''

Since I was 2 years old I think.

''What do you plan to do with it?''
Do you find me that scary?
''Yes.''

No one seems to sit anymore for a moment and enjoy things.
Fine perfumes, fine wines, fine foods. Moments in between moments. Senses that explode and then shut down. Pain that's shut down and locked forever just so it might explode for a few seconds at high intensity. The world is compressed in a feeling. And Pressed until it can't take it anymore. Same problem with people.
And they wait. For that perfect moment in time to let it all loose.
Everything out. Exposed. Vulnerable.
All while I simple watch.
Unmoved.
Being terrible.

So you want me to make it easier for you?
Not in a thousands years.

Maybe I'm easily amused.

Or maybe, just maybe considering that I'm an absurdly good looking young Lady..I am way too used to males throwing themselves at me, daily, everywhere.

I've seen men beg, cry, whine, hurting themselves, trying to destroy themselves, offering me money, gifts, work promotions, houses throughout the years..and I'm referring to normal life outside BDSM..

In FINDOM ..these things happen so don't expect me even to blink at such ''dramas''

I am clearly not one to get impressed easily or believe a male by his WORD.

You want to be mine? Beg, crawl , become worse than a dog, waiting for each of my command, no matter how worse it is and get ready to fulfil it immediately.

Why? Cause I said so. Cause that please me. Cause you want me to believe you that all you want is Me.

That I am your life. Your everything. The reason you wake up each morning.

While to some that seems extreme. At least you may have a vision of what I want. Knowing that you're pushing yourself to extreme lenghts for me is exciting for me.

Knowing that you'll be willing to become nothing just to give me more satisfaction...

Is delicious. To the world you are someone but for me you are a toy, one that lives just for me.


YES.I did have under consideration or maybe owned (despite never saying the word) slaves for years and years.

Their suffering pleased me immensely.

The way they ached for me, seeing how consumed and hurt I made them, knowing how much they loved me( cause they did), knowing no woman ever will touch them like I did...

straight to the heart, straight to where it hurts the most and where all fantasies and sexual desires live, straight to their very essence.

Those males lived for Me entirely and I fulfilled my darkest sadistic fantasies using them.

And like you can imagine, The pleasure was all Mine.

Taking your life and fucking it up.
Leaving you consumed, tormented and aching.
Every other women in your life stopped to exist.
I am all you're thinking about, but we both know you're doing more than thinking about me, and you feel dirty cause of it.

The fact that I know what you enjoy to do when you think of me and that it makes me laugh, only increases the ache.

I make you feel like you're dying on the inside but you can't help it.
When we talked a part of you hated me and wanted me dead the other felt like under a spell, one that left you feeling so weak yet so horny.

The hate only grew when you realised nothing will make you hard and excited but me breaking you into pieces. Humiliating you or worse teasing you sexually like a predator that you know sooner or later will grab for a knife and stab it right where it hurts you the most, your heart.

When I tease it's the worst cause it makes you even more confused.
What is my plan, why are you getting apparently a better treatement than the others? Do I really want you?
Why am I using you in such a way?

But you can't help it, even so you feel too excited to say no so you just let yourself go on with the feeling, waiting and hoping I won't damage you too bad.

I move closer, I know your every weakness, and by now I can bring you to ecstasy in a heartbeat with just 1 word.
You're scared of this but you want more.
All your mind can think of tho is..that I'm doing this to everybody, to every male, that for me this is FUN while you're losing control to every aspect of yourself including what you thought you knew the best, your dick.
It stopped working, right? The Porn, the clips, the other women, you can't get satisfaction anymore. Isn't that right?

You'd want me dead.
The Worst agony possible.
I can bring you high, I can make you cum in a second, or I can choose to not give you anything.
There's no way someone can do this, right, right?
It's your own body to control. not mine.
Oh, are you that sure? You seem to keep failing and failing.
And you stalk me everywhere.
For your FIX.
And I simply don't respond or am indifferent.

It almost feels unreal so you attempt like a mad animal to attack me .provoke me. so I can do something to you.
I laugh and am cold. I've been expecting this.
It hurts to be mine doesn't it.. isn't that why you want it so much?
Am I not the worst possible?
How can someone make you feel so much agony and leave you craving for just a few seconds of pleasure.

It's simple.. she has done it to so so many men.
To any man she's ever met.

Living in a Patriarchal country might seem like a nightmare for some.

Seeing daily women that are treated like objects.

Men that act like they are the kings of the world.

Being seen less for being a woman at the workplace.

A terrible thing for a Domme. But not for Me.


Throughout the years I have been quite wild. Travelled around Europe, worked in competitive jobs, switching them afterwards for whatever seemed like FUN to me.

Earning money, living life at the luxury level that I craved for yet something was missing.

I've always returned right where I started. Back to my east european country that for some might be a living hell but for Me? It's pure ecstasy.

My Plan? I've never really wanted to return to do again FINDOM nor BDSM.

I think the world has enough of Dominance/Submission in every corner you look, and I've been making men submit to me all my life so my satisfaction was high regardless.

But it was one of those moments in which something simply matches.

This 50 smth male. Strong, intellectual, dominant kept telling me how I'm a living Goddess and Why on earth a woman like me would ever work for a living. Charming guy, eh?

But you don't know his story well..He was the worst. The type women really hate.

Switching wives, hating women, being aggressive verbally, telling me how all his life he kept raising women like they were his daughters, how he is so used to be something like a father to them.

I was smilling badly. My wicked ''know it all'' grin. : Did you? And who ever raised you then? Don't you need a mother also? Who fills those shoes?

-''You could I suppose. You seem to be able to.''

-Me? Oh. but I am the opposite of nurture.

''Reason why you're Perfect.''

Going back. to a few weeks when he met me. Calling me every names out there, being arrogant towards me, hating my Ego and my calm, logical nature. As I was sipping tea and watching him while being so amused.

Oh, How little he knew about Me. Men have been calling me every names possible since.. Ever?

Which In essence might destroy a woman. Making her either a victim either an angry Beast.

But not Me. It simply made me understand men and more importantly it made me understand myself, WHO I really am when Men aren't watching me, wanting me, approving of me.

Was I really living for their approval? Did that really fuel my wild sexuality ? Was I getting wet cause they were loving me or was I getting wet cause they were hating me. Or worse was I getting wet simply cause I love myself just abit too much? And I'm a pervert underneath. A really twisted one.

I know the answer just as I know that I don't need for a man to like me.

I'll always be laughing when he's throwing rocks at me knowing that it won't take long before he'll come back begging to kiss the ground that I walk on.

And how do I know that you may ask? Simple. I know how male sexuality works.

And trust me, they are far from complex.

All my life I've been Selfish.
And the more and more I heard how women are supposed to be compassionate, giving and reserved, the worse I got.
Enraged almost knowing that I will never Fit in.
That I'm different, that all I care about is my own Pleasure.
The wild side of me was never gonna allow me to be lovely, or tamed or giving especially when it came to pleasure.

There was this common idea that left me puzzled, that men are the providers of pleasure, that a woman can be satisfied by a man, that only them through their skills and sex can push a woman to experience the best sensations.

IF I were naive, I could have believed that. And continue my search for some perfect sexual lover that was gonna grant me with intense orgasms and lots of pleasure. But I wasn't naive.

Men couldn't resist me in bed.
They were also getting obsessive, in love, desperate just because I fucked them once.
I demanded an answer.
Why were they losing their goddamn mind during the act.
A male told me his answer : '' A woman that uses a man in bed like he's some sex toy, Is selfish and can get herself to orgasm and come is the sexiest Woman alive.''

I had no problem using them like sex toys. My Selfishness wouldn't allow it other way anyway. But what I didn't get was why were they screaming..and moaning so badly.
Throughout the years I've got to know my body really good.
That electricity going through my body when I was excited.
My inner muscles contracting and aching.
My body's capacity to reward me with such strong sensations and pleasure just because my mind demanded it.
My body was a faithful servant of my mind.
If my Mind was excited my body could reach to orgasm without being touched.

As for them, the men? They were puppets aching to sense also the pleasure already my body was providing to me.
They were part of the game but not important paticipants.
The Irony? This pleased them the most.
A physical sensation they've never sensed before.
Pure electricity going from down up to their neck through their spine.
The provider? This woman that was now laughing at them hearing them scream and seeing their shock.

Selfishness. Womanity. Pure sexual female pleasure.
So many strong sensations that I thought were gonna make my brain explode and my body break into thousands of pieces.
A pleasure worth dying for.
Somewhere between dead and alive.
In an universe that makes sense yet in which everything stops because you're all that matters.
There I wonder if Pure sexual pleasure when it comes to women is 100% selfish. And Locked deep inside them like a lost treasure waiting to be unlocked.
All I know for sure is that it makes a Woman 100% Powerful

I was just 20 but the world was mine.
I was beautiful, young, desired.
Everybody was telling me that I should work in television or be a model.
But I didn't care I was making money efortless anyway.
Since the world was mine there was no reason for me not to treat people how I felt like it which of course I did.

He was beneath me simply.
Not classy enough, not interesting enough, he didn't even deserve to be seen near me which of course made him feel terrible.
The more he struggled to dress nicely.
To act arrogant regarding his position.
The more I felt like reminding him '' you are nothing to me, just an object that I kick and play with when I'm bored out of my goddamn mind.''
He tried to seem calm but he was boiling with rage.
I gave him no choice. Accept your position or leave.
You can't win.
You will always be just an object.
And Never good enough.
Never will be seen as a human being with thoughts,feelings,desires.

The more he felt hurt by it or enraged, the more I wanted to do it to him.
There was something in that twisted feeling that amused me terrible.
HE hated it yet kept doing it.
He hated to be a piece of shit yet couldn't stop craving for me to make him feel that way. He simply couldn't leave.
Couldn't cut loose. Couldn't forget me.
And damn he tried everything.
Different women, to degrade himself in other ways in order to fix himself, to travel, nothing worked.
He just had to return just to see me laugh and tell him
''You're nothing to me. What do you want now?''

At that point in time I must of realised that the basis of human nature is to be wanted, desired, ached for.
A feeling I found amusing and rather delusional.
Why would I NEED or WANT to be wanted by someone that I don't find superior ? Or worthy of Me? What difference does it make?
But then I saw that it didn't matter what I believed about THIS, people keep being WEAK because of craving this.
It works both ways.
People want to matter to others.

That piece of shit that I treated terrible wanted to be acknowledged by me, and he was willing to destroy his life just for me to do it.
For a feeling. He was that WEAK.
And dependant on another human being.

At some point I developed a Fetish for it.
Was it degradation that I was doing?
Dehumanisation?
Objectification?
Why was making someone do something he hates so amusing for me?
Why the fact that him knowing How WEAK he is counted more than his assumed admiration,love,respect for me?
Like a Sick game.
In which he's human and I'm...
Well. Does it really matter what I am?
As long as for that moment I am everything for a person and he no longer exists ?
Seeing that was amusing.

My Victims know I do the same thing in FINDOM.
I don't seek their validation or love but I do seek to get amused.
To see them crawl and to know they are aware of how little they mean to me while they give me everything.
It's something beyond Cruel and rather Wonderful.
Don't you think ?!

I don't know what kind of an Animal I am.
She giggles '' Should you?''
Well you know how some women compare themselves to cats?
I just purr like one yet am something completely different.

I must of been just 18 and he pictured me as riding a horse and having a whip in my hand. Truth be told, I've never taken riding lessons nor attempted to ever ride a horse ever. I want to, just didn't yet.
- A horse, why would I be riding a horse?
''That's something I could picture you do.''
-Driving a Mercedes is overrated?
''No. But you like to do wild things.''
He saw me conquering the world and doing whatever thing that's in my mind. I thought of myself as someone more sane yet as time has shown I was very much wrong. Indeed I was meant to do whatever scared people the most. And to have no fear of doing it neither.

Men have compared me to a lion, a panther, a savage wolf, a selfish beast that lives just to entertain herself and feeds on the soul of her victims. I laughed.If only things were so simple.

Maybe I just enjoy a glass of red wine and to paint and be left alone.
Maybe I'm not sentimental and boring like most people are.
Sadism is my passion. One of my pleasures.
A wild, unpredictable thing that I can indulge in and then put it back in a box. People enjoy to believe I get carried away, but I don't.
I do love to watch tho. Watching increases my pleasure.
A spark of pure madness can entertain me badly.

But do I ever get carried away?
This small detail, scares people.
I can't provide you with that answer you'll just have to try me for yourself.

If the game was clear could it still be a game? Yes.
Can a game change its core rules as time passes? Yes.
Must you be aware of what I am doing to you and how, or isn't that the whole point. To never be sure, never be aware of anything, to not even sense as you gradually and without any escape become Mine?
Figure it out for yourself.