I'm not your ordinary woman, I've never been your ordinary girl.
I couldn't be normal not even if I tried.
I'm a sadist. The worst kind. The mental one. The emotional sadistic type.
The one that enters in your head and uses your emotions against you. The one that asks everything from you.
I've always been like this. Ever since I can remember I had this satisfaction of seeing a man kneel in front of me and to sense how hopeless he feels.
Religion. Going to church. Being catholic never changed it.
I might add it only made it worse.
I was dangerous as a teenager and only got worse as becoming a woman.
I loved to have control over someone, to tease him to death, to see him hurt cause of me.
It turned me on the most but it seems there was something else that I would enjoy even more than that.
What is it that a woman wants? To be adored, to feel happy to feel that you belong to her.
Vanilla or bdsm it's all the same. A woman craves adoration.
But even a vanilla woman knows that your adoration has a limit. Only real LOVE could make her sure that you belong to her and to her only.Forever.
The world is insane. everywhere ''how to please your man/how to make him marry you/how to make him love you.
I bet it must feel exhausting for women to seek that.
But for me it never was like that. I always had it easy. Terrible easy I might add.
I guess I've never really realised my power, until this guy decided to start carving my name in his arm with a knife out of anger, after I left him,after I told him that he's weak. After I confessed to never loving him.
He got insane. Actually insane.
I knew he loved me I just didn't actually care. Or never faced reality?
I didn't expect him to actually be willing to die if I left.
That to him I was everything like he used to say, the only reason for him to live, work, earn money.
I knew he was weak and submissive. And a masochist that craved my sadistic attention.
I knew that he worshipped me. That he slept near my bed at the floor.
I knew he's a slave. He didn't.
Yet each time I would hurt him he felt hell unleashed in his heart and mind and couldn't think straight.
I couldn't help doing it .I was feeding on the emotion as much as him.
Years passed. I didn't change actually I got worse.
I met someone else. Weak, fragile, yet alpha in his daily life.
He payed everything for me, lived for me. Fancy meals, drove me around with his car, heard stories about the other men I was dating. Felt hurt each time and tried to hide it with a smile.
I've never known or cared that he was in love until the moment he started crying, actual tears and wouldn't stop for 20 minutes. ''I want to mean something to you'' he said.
I laughed. He couldn't. My world was filled with excitement and riches, a world in which only I belonged.
His only task was to mean nothing and give me everything I ask. That's all.
He didn't stop. tried everyting. sent roses each week. continued to do everything for me. even started stalking me.
So I knew I had to break his heart by leaving the club with another man. Someone better in every way.
Even so he never left. Came back and cried stating he was worried for me. WORRIED? Didn't he knew exactly what a monster I actually am already?
I guess I would lie if I wouldn't say that my most treasured connection was with an older intelligent alpha male turned submissive and masochist because of me.
He was near me since I was 16. He often switched between the feeling of protecting me like a father would, being mentally excited because of my sarcastic/mean comments and sleeping bad at night because he knew he desired me as a man also and that it was a disgusting feeling.
I knew all his torment of course.
He didn't have to tell me this
I can easily sense how a male thinks/feels about me.
For years he slept bad and felt jealous hearing about my life and the men in it.
Until one day feeling crazy he said the word ''love''
He never loved a woman all his life and was cursed to love.. me.
A woman that can't love and doesn't care about love.
He knew what I'll do next and yet faced it. He knew I'll turn all his love against him, use it to exploit him. to hurt him every single day. He just hoped I would get tired in the end
But I never really did, until I destroyed him. A monster feeds with her sins, and I have alot of sins.
The story.. goes up until today.
This lady didn't change and has woken up this morning excited because she heard this mysterious word ''love'again yesterday. From another alpha male. Rich, powerful, old and intellectual.
One uncapable of love, that loathes the very word. That switched between and changed beautiful women like socks all his life.
And yesterday after mentioning to me again ''I'll become and be everything you want me to be. A slave'' starts to shake his arms/hands and feels nervous. All because of me. I cut my finger by mistake and went at him asking for''help''
He couldn't focus well. Trying to put the bandage well while his arms were shaking was abit too much.
I smile knowing why and tell him' try harder. press harder'' He tries and fails. So I say again on a demanding voice''i said press harder'' he does and hurts me on purpose. blood starts pouring on my finger. I smile sadistically 'Thank you.'' He doesn't look at me. He can't. Not only it's the first time he touches my hands in months but I even asked him to hurt me on purpose. Why? To fuck with his mind.
He comes after me and says 'I feel the need to pay you'' What for ? I ask.. with a sick smile. ''I just feel like I should. ''. My mind slips back to reality this isn't FINDOM/BDSM world. Yet I feel the urge to say 'You can give me everything you want and own yet don't expect anything in return from me''.
He looks at me and I see lots of emotions are torturing him on the inside.
Yet he doesn't say anything. Not a word. Drinks something then decides to leave visible shooken up.
I close the door after him and I hear ''I love you'' and that's all.
I don't say anything.I WON.